("You can't win!" - Adrian Balboa)
The Games Begin
It's early morning and eerily quiet as the contestants’ pedals begin to raise them from their individual holding rooms underground and into the arena, introducing the tributes to a bright clear sky and a sunny field in front of them. The tributes, now listening to the starting clock ticking down ominously, are arranged on their individual pedestals in a circle around a large metal Cornucopia. Inside the circle of contestants are randomly scattered weapons, backpacks, and other survival-related paraphernalia, the most vital of which is collected in a large pile near the base of the Cornucopia. The tributes, taking in their surroundings, notice the arena is largely wooded. Aside from the sizeable field in which they are now standing, the arena is comprised primarily of dense woods, thick with shrub-like vegetation and towering trees. Katniss quietly rejoices at her familiar surroundings. Only one side of the field offers a different view. Out of one side of the woods encircling the Cornucopia flows a violent river. Out of the woods, the river continues towards the grassy plain before simply halting 50 yards from the Cornucopia and down a seemingly endless drop into a black abyss below.
46-45-44 The voice, seemingly emanating from the sky, counts down methodically. Some contestants are nervously examining their surroundings while others are eyeing down the competition. Some can’t take their eyes of the assortment of items near the Conucopia. Super Mario’s mustache twitches in anticipation; he’s eyeing the woods already, seemingly uninterested in the fight that will soon take place around the supplies. Marcia Brady is trying her best to catch the eye of Achilles, Horatio, Yossarian and Dwight Schrute, but unfortunately her pedestal is right next to Helen of Troy’s, a bad break for Marcia as most of her targets are already staring blankly at the Princess of Troy. After a few seconds she sees Horatio looking at her from a few pedestals to her right. When she meets his gaze, however, he mouths “MOVE!” with an accompanying waving motion, beckoning poor Marcia to stop obstructing his view of Helen on the podium to her left.
22-21-20 Achilles is actually sitting down on his pedestal apparently disinterested by the entire event. Next to him Charlie Kelly is clearly drunk and drooling a bit but looking over at Achilles awestruck, obviously hoping to ride his coattails.
18-17-16 Adrian Balboa is the only tribute making any noise while the clock ticks down…she’s crying, of course, and not in a way that makes you feel sorry for her. Dalton, next to her, is meditating in the lotus position but is clearly distracted by the tearful squawking going on right beside him.
13-12-11 Piggy, Dwight and Steve give a quick nod to each, almost imperceptible but clearly indicating a mutual understanding.
9-8-7 Katniss tenses up, preparing to sprint, while Harry Potter takes one last strategic look around the field, hoping for any sign of magic…
6-5, Charlie vomits, quickly breaking the silence, his speech sloppy, “I’m sorry guys, I founda dead animal in my holding room and ate it ‘cause I got real nervous and Imma a bit drunk, I think it mighta’ had some disease, I…” 4, he vomits again.
3-2 Charlie wipes his mouth and squints over at Achilles, slurring terribly, “Hey, ‘Chilles, d’you wanna beonateam wi”
A deafening trumpet blast signals the start of the Games!!
(Catch-22)
As soon as the horn blows, Yossarian decides to live forever or die in the attempt. Where is the boy? he thinks to himself, frantically searching for Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived. After hearing about how he had avoided certain death to a noseless dark lord, he naturally thought to himself that he either needed to team up with this invincible wizard or at least try to kill him. As he searches around the arena, he notices Adrian Balboa still bawling her eyes out while remaining motionless on her platform. If she moves, she will die immediately. But if she stays, she will be a sitting duck. He watches as Dwight Schrute, holding some kind of weapon in his hands, walks calmly to the crying woman.
She looks at Dwight with huge, fearful eyes. She had tried unsuccessfully to form an alliance with Rudy, knowing that he had the same try-hard personality as Rocky, but even he couldn't stand her constant bickering, opting instead to valiantly protect Hester Prynne from certain impending mobs. Even John McLane knew she was a lost cause, telling her to "get lost" during their final meeting.
Dwight stared at her blankly, trying his best to intimidate her using his sociopathic gaze.
"You can't win!" she screamed at him.
Dwight gave an obnoxious chuckle. "False. The probabilities are highly in my favor." He throws three ninja stars at her mercilessly and watches as she crumples to the ground before abandoning the Cornucopia field and joining Piggy and Steve Urkel near the woods.
ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: ADRIAN BALBOA
Yossarian is still searching methodically through the arena for Harry. He finally spots him, wildly flailing a broom that he had picked up on the very outskirts of the Cornucopia. Harry didn't dare go near Achilles, who began collecting weapons like Easter eggs. What caught his eye, however, was a certain golden ball that fluttered past Nic Cage's head (Cage has somehow found a motorcycle and has begun to drive angry around the Cornucopia, picking up as many supplies he can.) The snitch!
Harry, superiorly trained at seeking, had decided to forego attacking the easy targets (including Charlie Kelly, who was drunkenly army crawling by Harry's feet) in order to find the snitch. I will surely find the next clue to these 'Games' once I capture the snitch, he thought to himself. Broom-in-hand, he now takes off like a maniac, following the snitch as if Draco Malfoy threatened to get it first. The snitch, meanwhile, makes its way directly towards the cliff. Harry doesn’t worry about it, knowing that although he is not on a Nimbus 3000, he could mount this bad boy. I'm Harry Freaking Potter, he thinks to himself.
But as soon as he launches off of the cliff, it’s too late. Yossarian watches in horror as The Boy Who Lived goes freefallin' after what had only been a golden apple that Achilles had callously thrown over Cage's head.
(He chose....poorly.)
ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: HARRY POTTER
Yossarian's mind now rambles. The only way I can win the competition now is by joining Katniss. But she's won before and doesn't trust novices. The only way to join Katniss is by winning The Hunger Games. Yet the only way to win is to join her and follow her lead. The only way Wonka would let me team up with him is if I was insane, but if I told him I was insane, he would immediately know I'm not. What about Helen of Troy? She would only team with me if I were a prince, but the only way I can be a prince in here is by teaming up with her...And is that Nic Cage circa Raising Arizona rummaging through the Cornucopia? Didn't I just see him riding a motorcycle sans mustache?
Yossarian is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't realize Achilles sneaking up behind him until he feels the sharp pain of a spear goring him through the chest. He collapses to the ground, looking up towards the sun. This must have been how Snowden felt...
ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: JOHN YOSSARIAN
Achilles half-heartedly searches around for anything left to slaughter. Kate, Wonka, and Nic Cage (who is now off the motorcycle and away from the Cornucopia, sporting different clothing and longerhair) wisely run for their lives into the woods, heading in the same direction as Lennie and Kevin McCallister, the latter of which runs screaming with his hands on his cheeks. He notices Rudy hunched in front of Hester like a defensive lineman a near twenty feet from him.
"You're not harming her. She's been through enough," he stammers courageously. Hester subconsciously feels the red 'A' on her corset.
"You are foolish, prince of Notre Dame. But it is too early in this war for heroes to die," Achilles dismisses. He turns and watches Horatio, who is busy making his rounds towards the other deaths. His bright red hair glistens in the sunlight, his dark shades protecting his sensitive eyes from both the rays and the horrid bloodshed left before him.
In regards to Adrian: "I have to consider her...KO'ed."
Peering at Yossarian's impaled body: "It appears he caught a 22...in his chest."
After looking down the river's edge where Harry Potter had fallen: "Looks like he…wand-ered off a cliff.”
YEAHHHHH! - Horatio Crane
Eager to impress the countless viewers back home with his wit, he searches for another death near him to no avail. He notices the tense standoff between Achilles and Rudy and, being the successful detective that he is, decides to get closer to the action. Achilles welcomes the red-haired pun-slinger with amusement as they all stand ten feet from each other. Rudy doesn't hesitate, rushing towards both his opponents with all the strength of a '90s Fighting Irish defenseman.
Achilles reacts the only way he knows how: Using the sword he picked up from the Cornucopia, he does a complete 360 spin, cutting through Horatio's stomach and straight through Rudy's neck. With one last epic move, he throws the sword like a javelin straight through Hester, who had herself picked up a bow and arrow and aimed it at him.
Horatio, showing no pain and, honestly, no personality, stammered out one last pun:
"I guess I just didn't have...the stomach for this!"
And within a matter of seconds, Achilles had wiped out three more competitors.
ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: RUDY, HESTER, AND HORATIO
Achilles looks around the Cornucopia. There's an awkward silence in the arena. Everyone has cleared out into the woods, far away from Homer's great warrior. He looks up in the sky, already lamenting the mundane thought of hunting down each candidate, one by one. But it was what he was born to do; Agamemnon once said that he was a gifted killer. It is the only thing he knows. Taking a seat in the grass next to a dead body, he realizes he is still bored out of his mind. I just want to get this over with, Achilles thinks to himself, I actually feel sorry that I was chosen to participate in--
"AHH!" Achilles yelps in pain as he feels a sharp bite sink into the arch above his heel. "What the---"
He stares down at what he thought had been a dead body. He had dispatched so many of his enemies that he had lost count on who he had actually killed.
"WILDCARD!"
Alas, Charlie Kelly, who had drunkenly army crawled all the way to Achilles without being noticed, took a chunk of Achilles' achilles heel right out. He laughs hysterically, blood dripping from his unkempt beard. Achilles looks at him in horror, his blood flowing freely like a faucet. He doesn't understand why the pain is so unreasonable, but he also doesn't take into account how many diseased rats and old cheeses Charlie had stocked up on the night before the Games. His mouth is a cesspool and deadlier than any weapon he could have found in the Cornucopia.
Achilles falls on his back, his life slowly slipping away.
"Guess you didn't wanna join up after all, ey man?" Charlie sputtered.
"You've fought well, prince of Philly. Let the gods of the underworld be as noble as yourself."
ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: ACHILLES
Charlie stumbles to his feet. He looks up at Dalton, who stood in a nearby brush alongside Marcia Brady.
"Charlie, want to team up?" Marcia asked, holding on to a clearly unimpressed Dalton.
"Awwww yeahhhh! Let's chop cats! Let's chop cats!"
"Keep it down!" Dalton whispers. "Never underestimate your opponent."
Charlie runs giddily to his new friends and follows them into the woods.
END OF PART II
2) Dalton - 10/1
3) Katniss - 20/1
4) Super Mario - 30/1
5) Dwight Schrute - 35/1
6) Nic Cage - 40/1
7) Willy Wonka – 60/1
8) Kate Austen– 60/1
9) Kevin McCallister – 75/1
12) Helen of Troy - 90/1
13) The Hamburglar – 90/1
16) Lennie – 120/1
17) Steve Urkel – 200/1
18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1
19) Marcia Brady – 300/1
20) Willy Loman – 400/1
22) Miss Piggy – 800/1
I like tht quote Adrian Balboa say, "you cant win!" Lol. I love tht movie and i grew up in the 70s and no movie is as simple, romantic, sporty, and cheerful as Rocky. My favorie character is Adrian cause she is sooo a dang cutie pie expeacllay in Rocky 1, 2, and 3; and she was a shy woman but really strong with words:)
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